I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
