i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
