I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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