she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
