Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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