I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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