the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize