I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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