I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
