Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
