even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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