guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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