I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
