I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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