Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
