I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
