if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
