I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
