so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
