Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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