"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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