Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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