the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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