I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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