Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
