I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
