Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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