So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
what day is it and did you see me today?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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