she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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