no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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