The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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