do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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