Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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