i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
