btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
