I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
