If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
