At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
