just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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