420 ftw
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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