i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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