Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
