: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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