You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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