i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
