you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
