Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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