Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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