Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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