12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
