she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
