My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
