i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
