So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
