My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
