Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
