I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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