last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
