Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
