i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
