yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize