So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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