shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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