I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
