Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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