Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
