Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
