I met the friendliest cop last night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
All the doctor said was why
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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