Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
