so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
