Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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