batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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